Jealousy Makes Fools
by BrotherRalph
Summary: Ralph fears that Melissa is growing bored with their relationship and attempts to show her how adventurous he can be. His attempt to be dangerous quickly lands him into some trouble.
1. Misunderstandings

**Jealousy Makes Fools Chapter 1**

Written By Brother Ralph

Ralph half-walked half-stumbled through the door to the Raccoondominium. In the darkness he tried to move around the furniture stubbing his toes on no less than two occasions. He didn't want to turn the light on in case he woke anyone up at this ungodly hour. It was bad enough that he was suffering from sleepless nights without forcing the others to suffer too. The recent influx of work at The Evergreen Standard was taking all his time and these late nights had become a regular routine. Reaching the kitchen table he found a pot of cold peanut butter stew and a note written in Melissa's ordered hand writing.

He couldn't make out most of the words without turning the light on but he got the idea that she was annoyed at him missing dinner again. Ralph didn't much like peanut butter stew anyway, it was more one of Bert's favourites. Despite this he hadn't eaten since he had left the dominium this morning, before Melissa was even up, so he ate the cold stew wincing slightly at the lingering taste.

As he sat perfectly still in the dark he contemplated the last few weeks. Getting up and going to work early, coming home late, he'd hardly seen his loving wife at all. He'd make it up to her soon, once all the work died down.

He crept up the stairs towards their bedroom. As he entered he stopped, allowing his eyes to adjust to the deeper darkness of the room, listening to his sleeping wife's breathing. She was in the far side of the bed turned away from him with the sheets tucked up tightly around herself and only the end of her tail hanging over the edge of the bed. Her pink tank top lay across a chair where it had been discarded and she was in a similar but thinner nightshirt that clung tightly to her shape. Ralph silently removed his scarf and eased himself carefully onto the bed, careful not to move her in any way. He swung his legs up and lay still for a few moments.

He tried to resist the impulse to gather her in his arms. She was so close to him and her deep breathing seemed to entice him more, but she was asleep and would surely be annoyed if he were to wake her just for a quick cuddle before he slept. He shut his eyes tightly and tried to think of other things, but then she moved slightly beside him and her leg touched his. It was too much for his will power to hold against.

Carefully he moved onto his side and shuffled over the short distance to her. He aligned himself to her, holding her body within the curve of his own. He slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her gently into himself. Her fur was soft and warm and he savoured the touch of it on him as he breathed out a sigh of released tension.

She twitched slightly under him, the influence of some dream, and the movement made Ralph ever more sensitised to her touch. She turned over in her sleep within the circle of his arms to face him with lidded eyes. Ralph's arm around her waist slid easily round as she turned moving from her flat tummy to the small of her back. As she snuggled her head into his shoulder she let out a quiet 'mmm' of pleasure followed by 'Bert…'

Ralph froze. Silence drowned out all other sound and the world seemed to well up and seize him. His whole body tensed, and he held as still as death itself, not daring to even breathe. The rise and fall of her breathing pressed against him as he lay motionless. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to escape from her. He snatched at breath in a stifled gasping as a heavy weight descended on his chest. He removed his paw from on top of her rounded hip and rolled clear onto his back leaving one arm trapped beneath her. The irony of the way the situation had changed from just one minute ago hit the hurt raccoon like a slap in the face. The implied meanings of that one word sank into him as he lay staring at the ceiling and in the darkness his eyes widened as shock was replaced by a dull ache in his chest.

Sunlight arose and streamed through the airy Raccoondominium. Melissa woke and opened heavy eyes to gaze longingly at the empty bed where her husband should have been. She stretched out into the space where he had lain for a fraction of the night, hoping to find some residual trace of his warmth there. She found his scent and closed her eyes, burying her face into it and allowing herself to have a few moments with this poor substitute. She wished he would wake her when he arrived home, she couldn't bear these long weeks of barely seeing him. Then she pulled herself to reality and forced herself to get up as there was much to get done today, for one thing there was the white water rafting competition. She knew Ralph wouldn't have time to report on it himself so she decided she would go alone with her camera and then perhaps she could steal some time with him while she showed him the prints.

Melissa came down the stairs to the kitchen where Bert was already up and having his breakfast.

'Good morning Bert,' she said with a false cheeriness.

'Yeah…I guess…' Bert replied in a sulky tone.

'What's wrong?' she asked, concerned that the usually energetic raccoon was going to have one of his occasional depression crashes. Bert was positive and resistant most of the time but when he crashes he crashes badly.

'Aww nothin…just Lisa never seems to notice me. I'm not even sure if she is interested in a fool like me. I mean, it's not like anyone else has ever been interested in me is it? I'm just Bert Raccoon, always up for a good time but not much else. It's just as well I guess, settling down wouldn't suit me.'

Melissa had become tolerant of Bert moping over Lisa. With Ralph working so hard and Bentley on his summer vacation Bert was spending a lot of time with her. She had to admit she was grateful for his company, and had been tending to fall into the routine of cooking and doing his other chores for him.

'Come on now Bert, things always look bad when you think like this. You've got to try and see the good in the situation. I don't think Lisa is looking to settle down either, not yet at least.'

'Well sure…' Bert hesitated 'We match each other well. But what do I have that she would like? What can I do to attract her that another raccoon couldn't?'

It was at this unfortunate moment that Ralph happened to arrive back to the old tree home, carrying with him a bundle of roses and a good prepared speech to apologise to his wife about being away so much. He stopped at the front door just as Melissa continued her conversation.

'Oh Bert, there are lots of things a girl can find to love about you. You're spirited, you stand up for your friends and family with a passion that's almost scary, and you're an attractive guy. Best of all you love adventure, you're not afraid of anything in the world, that's a very attractive quality to a woman.'

'It is?' he asked surprised

'Of course.' She said sincerely 'Now let me make you a cup of tea and we'll go down to the water rafting together.'

Ralph felt as though he'd been stabbed for the second time. Last night she had been asleep, not knowing what she was saying, but there could be no doubt of her meaning with this. He threw the roses into the dirt in front of the door and stormed of down the path.

Inside the house, oblivious to what had happened outside an idea formed within Bert's mind.

'That's it! Melissa you're a genius! I'll sail in the white water rafting competition!' He exclaimed jumping out of his seat. Melissa nearly choked and dropped the cup she had just washed up.

'The water rafting? No Bert I don't think that's a good idea, it's renowned for being dangerous. Cyril has only entered because he thinks he has an indestructible boat. But I hear he's not feeling confident about that claim, so unconfident he's not even prepared to risk the pigs in the race! And you know how expendable he thinks the pigs are!'

'Exactly! It's just the kind of danger you just said girls like you love! I gotta go get ready!' Bert bounded out of the room before Melissa could complain any further. She hadn't told him that although his adventurous side _could_ be attractive that it could also be very scary and that she found it scary more often than attractive.

Ralph threw paper across the printing room. He couldn't concentrate to work with his mind wandering as it was. He was angry with himself, but wounded badly that Melissa and Bert, his wife and his best friend, could have done this to him. Just because he'd been away for a while, he wondered how long it had taken for them to betray all those years of loyalty. Perhaps this wasn't even a recent thing, perhaps that's why Bert seemed to be a continual houseguest never looking for a place of his own. If so this could have been going on for years. Perhaps Bert didn't always sleep in the guest bedroom when he was away…perhaps they'd…perhaps they'd…no. He refused to think about it, but still the thought was there.

Voices coming down the path snapped him out of his reverie. It was Bert and Cedric, what on earth were they doing here? Ralph sat at his desk pretending to work but he needn't have as they walked past the printing house and down to the waters edge where their raft was moored.

'You know Bert, we never designed this raft for the white water rapids, are you sure that it'll hold up?' Cedric whined.

'Don't worry Cedric my old matey. With Bert Raccoon, Ace sailor at the wheel nothing could go wrong.' Bert chimed with confidence that sickened Ralph.

'And you're sure she'll like this?'

'Ah…she'll love it. Cedric trust me I know what the lady wants, a little bit of danger, something that scares her a little. You know what she's like; she's always waiting for something exciting to happen!'

'I don't know Bert. Maybe you should ask Ralph about this…' Cedric said.

'Ha! Ask Ralph? What does Ralph know about being dangerous!?' Bert laughed in a condescending way. Within the cabin Ralph boiled in his anger for a moment longer then rushed out, hurrying down the path.

Fate would have it that had Ralph stayed just a moment longer the whole situation might have been avoided, but as it was Ralph was just out of earshot when Cedric said.

'I meant ask Ralph if this is what Lisa might like. She is his niece and he's known her since she was born.'

'Oh…right, I get ya. Yeah maybe I will ask Ralph that.' Bert opened the door to the printing room. 'Ralph?' he called to the empty room. 'Oh...I guess he's gone to do some reporting or something. No time to find him though Cedric, we'll have to go ahead with the plan. And anyway, what could go wrong with a raft as good as ours and a captain like me?' Cedric gulped back his fear at this concept.


	2. Troubled Waters

**Jealousy Makes Fools Chapter 2**

Written By Brother Ralph

Sneer mansion towered above Ralph Raccoon. His feet had led him here more from random chance than intention, but now that he was here he came to a grim decision.

Inside the mansion Cyril is just finishing a long night of calculating his assets. When the doorbell goes he calls hoarsely for the pigs but with no immediate reply he stands in annoyance to answer the door himself. Upon seeing the meddlesome mammal sat on his doorstep he immediately came through with his practised line.

'No comment raccoon!' but as he went to slam the door Ralph put his foot between the door and the frame.

'Mr Sneer, I have a proposition for you. I have heard you are in need of a sailor for your indestructible raft.' He said without emotion. Cyril weighed the situation carefully, having not seen Ralph in this mood before. It suited him Cyril thought, gave a good dark mysterious look to his masked face.

'Hmm…straight to the business is it? No niceties? You must be serious. Well how much do you want for it?'

'Nothing, I sail for free.'

'You want nothing?'

'Nope'

'Any hidden catches?'

'Nope'

'And this isn't a trick for your newspaper or anything?'

'Nope'

Cyril noted the annoyance in the raccoon's voice and decided to seal this deal before it fled his grasp. 'Alright raccoon, I'll give you a go. I trust you know what time to be there.' Ralph gave a silent nod and turned to walk away.

He stopped and without turning back to Cyril said in a low voice.

'I've got something I need to get, and then I'll go straight to the raft' and with that he skulked down the path.

Cyril was confused. That had been Ralph hadn't it? The Ralph whose optimism and friendliness had become famous through the forest? The Ralph whose upturned outlook on life brought hope to Cyril's opposition?

But above those thoughts Cyril's shrewd mind never stopped considering his opportunities, and when it found one it never let it slip away.

'Pigs!' he roared

'Y-y-yes sir?' they stammered as they trotted up behind him.

'Is that raft definitely indestructible?'

'Oh yes sir, yes. Cedric has all the designs laid out in his room sir.' One replied.

'Yes sir. The raft is perfect, and she'll float like a dream straight to the finish line sir.'

'Change of plan pigs! Get down to that raft! Change the design! I want it destructible, very very destructible! I want it to be a death trap waiting to happen! You hear me? A death trap!' The pigs glanced uncertainly at one another. Then snapped into a salute when they saw Cyril's impatient look.

'Yes sir! Yes sir! It'll barely sit on top of the water when we're done sir'.

Back at the Raccoondominium Bert had returned having taken the raft to the starting line. He and Melissa sat down to a quick lunch and then they went out to get the bikes and ride down to the start line where Bert hoped Lisa would already be waiting. But as they took the bikes out of the garage Bert looked with dismay at his front tyre that was punctured and deflated. Bert had meant to patch that up last night, but forgot about it until now.

'Oh Bert, you'll not get anywhere on that! Come over here and help me get the tandem out, we can both ride that to the competition.' Melissa offered helpfully.

'But the tandem is Ralph and yours.' Bert pointed out

Melissa laughed lightly 'Well Ralph's not using it right now is he? And I very much doubt he'd mind.'

So they both got onto the tandem, Bert taking Ralph's place at the front and Melissa with her usual back seat, and rode towards the river, an abandoned bunch of roses getting crushed as the front wheel went over them.

As they cycled down the familiar road they were silent. Melissa wasn't steering, she just had to hold on and cycle, letting Bert take care of which direction that was in. As the wind fell across her face she enjoyed the slight ruffling of her fringe and fur. She closed her eyes and tried desperately to imagine that it was her husband in front of her instead of Bert. Then Bert's voice shattered her concentration and destroyed the illusion that it was just a quiet ride with Ralph.

'Hey, Melissa! Look! A bicycle ramp! Yahoo!' He turned the tandem a little to the left setting it on a course for a small ramp that would produce a jump.

'Bert…?' Melissa enquired uncertainly.

'I've never tried a jump on a tandem before! This is gonna be great!'

'Bert stop fooling around. That could be dangerous.'

'Exactly Melissa! But don't worry, your old buddy Bert's got everything under control.'

'Bert stop this bike now! You're frightening me!' Melissa cried.

Bert heard something in his friend's voice that told him she was starting to panic. He hadn't wanted to scare her. He sharply turned the handlebars and put on the back brakes. The tandem veered to the side and skidded to a halt just seconds before they would have flown over the ramp. He turned to consider Melissa and noticed she was breathing heavily; he must have given her a real fright.

'Hey…err…sorry Melissa…I…must have got carried away there.'

'It's alright Bert' she panted.

'Err…Melissa…I thought you said that you liked danger and that it was attractive.'

'Well, it can be…especially to a girl like Lisa,' She assured him, 'but sometimes a girl wants to feel safe with a guy. Sometimes a girl needs someone stable who she can rely on, someone like Ralph.' As she said it she realised how true it was, and how much her heart yearned for him even now. Ralph would never do something stupid like Bert was about to. But there was no point in saying so; in fact in the past telling Bert he shouldn't do something had always made him want to do it more.

The pair arrived at the white water rafting shortly after. Melissa had been trembling slightly after the incident and Bert had felt that through the bike, making him feel deeply guilty. But still, Lisa would love this stunt he was about to pull with the raft. And it couldn't be too dangerous could it? I mean, if it was that dangerous there wouldn't be many people compete in it.

When he arrived at the river's bank and saw that there were only two rafts lined up, his and Cyril's. He gulped back the lump in his throat and began to tremble twice as much as Melissa had.

Cyril, the pigs and Cedric stood waiting on the shore along with Lisa. Bert and Melissa walked over to them as they regained their poise from their respective fears.

'Hi Bert, hi Melissa' Cedric called in greeting.

'Hi Cedric' Bert replied politely 'I guess you're gonna be sailing in the Sneer raft, huh?'

'Oh no Bert…Pop says it's too dangerous'

'Lisa came running up to them 'Oh, Bert don't be foolish. Melissa just told me you're running this race for me, well I don't want you to. Please don't sail in this Bert.'

Bert was suddenly washed with waves of relief. It was a golden way out. 'Well…' he sighed, 'I had been looking forward to a little adventure but, if you really don't want me to, I guess I'll have to force myself not to.'

Melissa and Lisa grinned at each other.

'It's not because I'm afraid, it's just that…'

'…just that this is a little too dangerous for you?' Came the familiar voice of Ralph from behind them. Melissa nearly jumped in joy as she spun to see him, but then there was silence as everyone gazed at him.

He stood before them without his white scarf, and in its place was a red sweater covering most of his torso and a large yellow 'R' on it. Melissa recognised it as the sweater Bert had given him in an attempt to 'improve his fashion style'. Unsurprisingly, he'd never worn it. Needless to say, when a raccoon changes his dress sense everyone is stunned and no-one cold find any words.

'It's alright Bert' Ralph continued cheerfully, 'this kind of event isn't for everyone. Some people just prefer to stay on the land.'

Cyril spoke for the first time and rather impatiently, 'Your raft awaits.' With this Ralph hopped onto the raft that had been publicly announced as indestructible.

'I just prefer to live a little is all.' He claimed to his friends who stood in shock and disbelief. With this he unhooked the mooring and pushed off from the bank.

Melissa had been stunned by both his appearance and his actions, but the situation now filtered down to her in crystal clarity. Her husband was about to sail in the white water rafting competition. He was risking everything and she didn't know why but she had one choice to make, and she made it without hesitation. She ran to the bank edge and jumped, landing half on the raft and half in the water. Ralph quickly grabbed her arms and pulled her up onto the raft.

'What are you doing?' He shouted at her.

She was enraged that he could behave like this and then ask what _she _was doing. 'What am I doing? Me? What I'm doing is coming with you. You are my world and if you're risking yourself you're risking my world so I may as well risk myself along with you! That's what I'm doing! So what the hell are you doing?'

Back on the bank Bert and Lisa still stood horrified as first Ralph and then Melissa jumped past them and sped off down the river.

'The white water isn't safe for them Lisa! We have to stop that raft and get them back on land. They're not good at rafting like me, they won't stand a chance.'

Lisa stammered 'But…but…I mean this is Ralph…why would he…it doesn't make sense.'

'This isn't the time Lisa, they're going to need us! Pick up that mooring rope and get on the tandem, we can shortcut and catch up with them at the bridge.' Lisa and Bert hopped onto the tandem and both being competent cyclists sped along the road.

Once they were gone Cyril laughed an evil laugh. 'Well I sure hope nothing "disastrous" happens to our raccoon sailor. Nothing like his raft falling apart… Ha ha.'

The pigs looked nervously at each other. 'But boss, you told us to make the raft a death trap.'

'I was being sarcastic you idiots' Cyril snapped at them, 'and I hope you did a good job at sabotaging that raft.'

'Like Bert said Boss…they won't stand a chance.'

On the raft Ralph had closed his eyes in an inward despair. He hadn't answered her question and he seemed to have reverted to the Ralph she knew and loved. When she turned her back on him and folded her arms he came to stand behind her and trapped her within the circle of his arms.

'Believe it or not I'm actually risking everything for you.' And with this he spun her round and held her in a tight embrace.

As she was pulled into him she happened to glimpse the raft floor over his shoulder. 'Um…Ralph…'

'I'll explain it all later honey, let's just be here together for now. We haven't been together for so long now.'

She pushed him off her, 'No Ralph, the raft is breaking up!' Ralph looked down in dismay as he realised that several planks were already floating away and they were just about to hit the white waters.

'Hold them together' he cried grabbing one himself and pulling it back into place. He inspected the cords that had held it in place. At one point they looked like they could have been quite strong, and tied in Cedric's own secure knot, but they had been cut! The whole raft was basically balancing together.

'Ralph, it's all floating away!' Melissa called from the other side, and as Ralph watched the raft split between them and started drifting apart. They'd hit the white water any minute now.

'Hey! Ralph! Melissa!' came a shout from the bank.

'Bert!' Melissa called

'Grab the rope!' he shouted and they saw a rope stretched across the river held on each end by Lisa and Bert. The bedraggled pair grabbed it and held on until Bert hauled them onto the bank where they sprawled gasping for air.

Melissa punched Ralph on the arm. 'What was that about?'

Ralph sighed 'I made a mistake. It doesn't matter now. I'm sorry if I gave you a fright.'

Melissa looked confused. Then something else seemed to kick in. She remembered why she wanted to be with this raccoon for the rest of her life. Regardless of what happened, or what he did, he was Ralph. Her Ralph. It was her turn to hug him, and she did so with a passion, thinking of all the time between their last real reunion and how she could have lost him completely today, for a reason she didn't even want to know. She'd risk herself a thousand times for him, and she'd never need to ask why, it was just because she loved him.

She looked into his eyes and said carefully 'You know…being dangerous can be a very attractive quality…as long as it doesn't happen too often'. Ralph analysed her expression, trying to find the true meaning in her sentence. Was that a sly smile? Was there a strange glow in her eyes? And was her pulse racing from the rafting or something else? Then she winked at him, leaving him in no doubt.

His eyes widened and he swept her up. She clung on round his neck and he lifted her with an arm under her legs and across her back. 'Err…Thank you so much Bert…and Lisa…yeah you probably saved our lives…err; I better get Melissa back to the dominium... yes.'

'Oh, no problem Ralph. Hey, we'll come with you. Make sure you're OK'

'No! Um…I mean, no, you needn't do that Bert. Why don't you and Lisa take the tandem and ride around for an hour or so. Um…yes, see you later.' And with this he hurried off with Melissa giggling like a teenager in his arms.

Lisa and Bert stood in a confused silence for a moment. Then Lisa took his paw in hers and led him towards the tandem.

'What was Ralph doing? This is all completely unexpected.' Lisa said, trying to puzzle out the event.

'I don't know.' Bert replied sincerely, 'But Ralph obviously felt the need to wear some stylish clothes for the event.'

Lisa rolled her eyes as she got on the back of the tandem and let Bert lead her. They had a wonderful afternoon…as did Ralph and Melissa….


End file.
